First day I would have been at work

Today is the first day that I would have been at work. Instead I was home cooking chili from the dried beans up (don’t be too impressed, it ended up burned, but edible). I cleaned, made job charts, a checklist for housekeeping, taught the kids what way too much laundry in the washer looks like and when he got home, sat in my husbands lap and had a bit of a sob-fest. While I normally would have been talking to my staff about the process of the school year, I was talking to my kids about the 180-degree change that their lives are about to take.

See, we are used to having someone come to our house everyday to do laundry, put it away, do dishes, straighten up, make beds, make dinner, lunches and overall declutter. I have realized that Steve, the kids and I have all become very lazy and in a word, slobs. We have not had to take care of our housework for 3 years. Granted, this was essential service that helped our family, but we grew soft. This will be very good for the kids, because they are ready to step up and increase their responsibility. I am sure it will also be good for Steve and me…. blah, blah blah.

But back to the sobbing. Since this is the first day that normally I would be at work, I am feeling a huge sense of loss and insignificant. I know I am a Mom and a Wife, and those are much more important on the life continuum. I can’t help it. As a teacher and administrator I can see the change and help I give. It is tangible and I made tons of important (at least it seemed like that at the time) decisions everyday. I had some control. Home seems to be a never-ending cycle of the same.

You will notice that I seem to be obsessed with control in my life and my lack of it. After the seizure, I realized that I couldn’t count on anything. I might drop and have a seizure at any moment, wake up unable to walk or feel my feet, forget where I am driving to or where I am, be too fatigued to get a glass of water for myself, lose my words and not even realize I am calling the refrigerator a dishwasher. What do I have control over? It used to be certain parts of work. I could count on a kid coming to my class every everyday begging for a soda or that at a football game another student would end up suspended or that a set of parents will bring food to a meeting. I liked the predictability. I appreciated the camaraderie of lunch and commiserating about stuff. Although I complained about the number of meetings I had, I loved the process of having a problem or conflict and helping kids and parents coming to a solution or resolution that worked.

What do I do now? What do I control now? How do I make it through the day when my confidence is at rock bottom with no light at this point? I know, I know. It will come; I just need to be patient. Steve says to look at this leave as I would my teaching job. So here I go, looking up homemaking sites, reading other blogs and making checklists etc. Let’s see how it all plays out. It’s just been a rough and challenging day.