So it has been a terrible month. Not wanting to scare people with my deep, all encompassing and horrible depression, I shied away from writing. My friend Vallen (fellow Paly staffer and blogger queenlythings.com) encouraged me and assured me that you all could handle it.
Here is the rundown.
I cried constantly for 2 weeks. So much so that my daughter asked “are you going to cry again today Mommy” (which of course made me cry). I couldn’t eat or sleep. I would call my husband and cry. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel the sense of elation that everyone said they would have if they too a year off work. I scared myself.
Finding a therapist was a challenge. The people who had open practices either didn’t take my insurance or I knew them from school or people I worked with knew them. I finally found someone and things fell into place. So for the time being I see her twice a week. It has helped. Steve and my friends now have a reprieve from my calling, crying and generally freaking out. They are now all able to answer their phones without cringing. I am forever grateful for their patience.
School started and in my ego induced state; I was sad and offended that not a single person needed anything from me. I mean seriously, no info, no forms, no…..well, nothing. It felt like 3 years of hard work down the drain and discounted. Back to the crying, back to the therapist.
I miss the structure.
I miss random and easy conversations with co-workers and friends.
I miss people needing me.
I miss the predictability.
I miss being able to tell people what I do without hedging.
I miss my confidence and trust in my abilities.
I think I am realizing that I was (and still am, I am sure) only reacting to people, things and events. I am going to try and change that. I can’t be scared of people I might see or things I my encounter.
Doesn’t mean I still don’t feel it, just means that I am going to fake it till it becomes the reality.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
3 comments:
Hey Kris! Just read your most recent entry. I have been checking the blog from time to time to see if you had posted anything and wondered why there hasn't been anything since August. I assumed you were busy and delighting in your new found freedom. Obviously the opposite was true. I'm so sorry. What a bummer. But, as an optimist and a believer in things happen for a reason, maybe this time, as horrible and dark as it is, will somehow give you a better and deeper understanding of yourself and your illness. I know it's trite, but try to focus on that light at the end of the tunnel.
As for missing you and needing you (I can't tell you how many times I was tempted to call your cell number!), here's my list back atcha:
1. Since you're not here, who do I call to get case loads from? I've asked Carol Z. twice for them and still haven't received them.
2. Two kids didn't show up for the taxi to JobTrain. Who do I call to go find them?
3. Who do I talk to about our Dept. of Rehab referrals?
4. Who do I share my 'goofy' ideas about new opportunities for our kids with?
5. Who else will go to bat for our kids with the 'powers that be' with me?
6. Most of all, I miss your fiery, exuberant self who 'gets it' when it comes to passion and dedication for our kids who need a voice.
So, yes, there is a hole that can't be filled until you recover and return. Be kind to yourself. Keep on talking, healing, learning and return to us as a better, stronger person.
Much love,
Marion
Yay, you!!! We all miss you tremendously. This is your hiatus - all celebrities take them - call whenever you want, visit often, cheer at the football games, come to lunch - you know regular family things. I'm going to send you some blogs to read and some crafts to do with the kids and recipes to try. Pretty soon you're going to be having so much fun at home you're not going to want to come back. Oh, BTW, that is not an option.
Hey there! As someone who has gone through this exact transition, I can tell you that your feelings are completely natural. The biggest difference is that my change was because of a positive thing in my life, the birth of a baby. You, on the other hand, would still be working at a job you love and are so, so good at if it weren't for your health.
The good news is that all you are such a resourceful person. I swear that you could find your niche on a deserted island! If anyone will succeed at life's curveballs, it will be you!
You are the most important person in the world to three incredible people, as well as being a pretty incredible person yourself. Start there and see where it leads you.
PS Co-workers aren't calling you because they don't want to let on how sorely you are missed!
Post a Comment