With women like this

I have always known strong women. Not just strong women; smart women. I have responded to them depending on how I felt about myself and my life at the time. I sometimes felt able to keep up and other times (often within the same hour), I gave in to self-pity and doubt.

I have always defined strong women by the long list of attributes you would expect: well-educated, well spoken, talented, funny, blah blah blah. I see things so differently now that I hang with a more diverse group of women. I have spent all of my professional life in educational institutions ranging from elementary to college campuses.

These moms have MBA’s, MFA’s, PhD’s, MD’s and most importantly, BFD’s. Nobody cares. We all pick up the kids, they go to Kids Club, or the babysitter picks them up. Nobody cares. Some of the mom’s work, some don’t, some work part time, some volunteer all over the place, some workout daily and some actually do it all (the latter, we just are a bit jealous of). Bottom line, nobody seems to care about this stuff.

The point is, I have spent years mostly being around people from work and then moving on to spending social time with a few. When people are at work, there is a hierarchy that cannot be ignored. The hierarchy isn’t just the obvious organizational flow chart. It is also the people we feel are good at their jobs, people whose work we value or people who we don’t get along with (and therefore send us to Borders to buy “How to Deal with Difficult People”) You don’t get to choose these people. You either work with them or figure out a way to move, relocate or quit.

Now I am around women that I see as amazing and strong and I have no clue what kind of employee they are. They are just women I have met and connected with. I am so glad to be in a situation that gives me to opportunity to have a life changing experiences. I’m 42 and that is pretty cool.

Retired

Today it happened. I am officially retired. How weird is that to say for a 42 year old. Maybe for this area (Silicon Valley) it is more common. It is a wonderful opportunity and I am blessed. But I am also officially labeled as a disabled person.

Some days I am strong and powerful and other days I am surprised I am upright. The bad days are the worst, but not for the reasons you would think. I really do think that if I am not working I should have perfect (at least for me) health. The only thing this retirement does for me is make life as a stay at home mom financially feasible.

I have to say, the California State Teachers' Retirement System (CALSTRS) rocks. I am forever grateful that I there was this safety net for me. Phew.

No Snooze Button

So time is a wonder. I have spent most of my life wanting and needing more time. When I was younger it was more time to study for a test (OK, not really), time with a boy I liked, or wishing to be 16 so I could drive. In college I wanted more time to recover from a hangover, or to sleep. Then it was hoping for the time that I would be successful in my career and meeting the man of my dreams.

Then, after having kids it was waiting for them to smile, roll over, walk, talk and understand the theory of relativity.

These were the usual things that people probably wish for.

Then I got sick. I wished for the all the time back. I should have, would have, wished I could have done everything better. The time felt wasted on silly or shallow things. But unlike the people in the movies, I still wasted the time. I went on with my life like everything was normal. Normality was my doing things better. I was bolstered by the comments from people that I was “so strong” and had “such a great attitude”. I was maximizing my time by trying to be normal. That was good, right?

Well, then the seizures came. I spent the spring in a dream. I became uber strong, overly confident, risky, brazen and strong…..read DENIAL.


Once I found I could take time off, I couldn't’t help but slow down. I had time to cook, clean, read, bake and God forbid, think.

I thought about my predicament. I immersed myself in my illnesses. If you think about it, when you want to avoid really thinking about your life, the best thing to do is fill it with life. Busy-busy. Defiantly NOT contemplating, thinking and certainly not feeling my own pain. Besides, who likes to be around a pissed off, sad sick person. Not me!

So after working through my anger, regret, guilt, anger, self pity, depression, anger, worry, mortality, weakness, anger (and did I mention anger) I came up for air. Spending 6 months in the dark icky place makes the here and now look different. Not better, not worse, just different.

I am lucky to have a here and now. I need to embrace it. My family needs me to live and be present. This time, the wake-up call woke me up. I’m ready.