Thursday, April 9, 2009
Retired
Today it happened. I am officially retired. How weird is that to say for a 42 year old. Maybe for this area (Silicon Valley) it is more common. It is a wonderful opportunity and I am blessed. But I am also officially labeled as a disabled person.
Some days I am strong and powerful and other days I am surprised I am upright. The bad days are the worst, but not for the reasons you would think. I really do think that if I am not working I should have perfect (at least for me) health. The only thing this retirement does for me is make life as a stay at home mom financially feasible.
I have to say, the California State Teachers' Retirement System (CALSTRS) rocks. I am forever grateful that I there was this safety net for me. Phew.
Monday, April 6, 2009
No Snooze Button
So time is a wonder. I have spent most of my life wanting and needing more time. When I was younger it was more time to study for a test (OK, not really), time with a boy I liked, or wishing to be 16 so I could drive. In college I wanted more time to recover from a hangover, or to sleep. Then it was hoping for the time that I would be successful in my career and meeting the man of my dreams.
Then, after having kids it was waiting for them to smile, roll over, walk, talk and understand the theory of relativity.
These were the usual things that people probably wish for.
Then I got sick. I wished for the all the time back. I should have, would have, wished I could have done everything better. The time felt wasted on silly or shallow things. But unlike the people in the movies, I still wasted the time. I went on with my life like everything was normal. Normality was my doing things better. I was bolstered by the comments from people that I was “so strong” and had “such a great attitude”. I was maximizing my time by trying to be normal. That was good, right?
Well, then the seizures came. I spent the spring in a dream. I became uber strong, overly confident, risky, brazen and strong…..read DENIAL.
Once I found I could take time off, I couldn't’t help but slow down. I had time to cook, clean, read, bake and God forbid, think.
I thought about my predicament. I immersed myself in my illnesses. If you think about it, when you want to avoid really thinking about your life, the best thing to do is fill it with life. Busy-busy. Defiantly NOT contemplating, thinking and certainly not feeling my own pain. Besides, who likes to be around a pissed off, sad sick person. Not me!
So after working through my anger, regret, guilt, anger, self pity, depression, anger, worry, mortality, weakness, anger (and did I mention anger) I came up for air. Spending 6 months in the dark icky place makes the here and now look different. Not better, not worse, just different.
I am lucky to have a here and now. I need to embrace it. My family needs me to live and be present. This time, the wake-up call woke me up. I’m ready.
Then, after having kids it was waiting for them to smile, roll over, walk, talk and understand the theory of relativity.
These were the usual things that people probably wish for.
Then I got sick. I wished for the all the time back. I should have, would have, wished I could have done everything better. The time felt wasted on silly or shallow things. But unlike the people in the movies, I still wasted the time. I went on with my life like everything was normal. Normality was my doing things better. I was bolstered by the comments from people that I was “so strong” and had “such a great attitude”. I was maximizing my time by trying to be normal. That was good, right?
Well, then the seizures came. I spent the spring in a dream. I became uber strong, overly confident, risky, brazen and strong…..read DENIAL.
Once I found I could take time off, I couldn't’t help but slow down. I had time to cook, clean, read, bake and God forbid, think.
I thought about my predicament. I immersed myself in my illnesses. If you think about it, when you want to avoid really thinking about your life, the best thing to do is fill it with life. Busy-busy. Defiantly NOT contemplating, thinking and certainly not feeling my own pain. Besides, who likes to be around a pissed off, sad sick person. Not me!
So after working through my anger, regret, guilt, anger, self pity, depression, anger, worry, mortality, weakness, anger (and did I mention anger) I came up for air. Spending 6 months in the dark icky place makes the here and now look different. Not better, not worse, just different.
I am lucky to have a here and now. I need to embrace it. My family needs me to live and be present. This time, the wake-up call woke me up. I’m ready.
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