Rough Times Behind….at least for now

So it has been a terrible month. Not wanting to scare people with my deep, all encompassing and horrible depression, I shied away from writing. My friend Vallen (fellow Paly staffer and blogger queenlythings.com) encouraged me and assured me that you all could handle it.

Here is the rundown.

I cried constantly for 2 weeks. So much so that my daughter asked “are you going to cry again today Mommy” (which of course made me cry). I couldn’t eat or sleep. I would call my husband and cry. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel the sense of elation that everyone said they would have if they too a year off work. I scared myself.

Finding a therapist was a challenge. The people who had open practices either didn’t take my insurance or I knew them from school or people I worked with knew them. I finally found someone and things fell into place. So for the time being I see her twice a week. It has helped. Steve and my friends now have a reprieve from my calling, crying and generally freaking out. They are now all able to answer their phones without cringing. I am forever grateful for their patience.

School started and in my ego induced state; I was sad and offended that not a single person needed anything from me. I mean seriously, no info, no forms, no…..well, nothing. It felt like 3 years of hard work down the drain and discounted. Back to the crying, back to the therapist.

I miss the structure.
I miss random and easy conversations with co-workers and friends.
I miss people needing me.
I miss the predictability.
I miss being able to tell people what I do without hedging.
I miss my confidence and trust in my abilities.

I think I am realizing that I was (and still am, I am sure) only reacting to people, things and events. I am going to try and change that. I can’t be scared of people I might see or things I my encounter.

Doesn’t mean I still don’t feel it, just means that I am going to fake it till it becomes the reality.